“To overcome something, people need something new to replace it.”
So says Kou of one of the most relatable shoujo mangas that I have ever read in my young years.
Okay, I know that my blog has been filled with love shit for the past few months (it’s so not me) and I’m seriously getting tired of it so I’m ending it now. With that quote up there. To write about him, the guy who’s been able to salvage me from my four years of unrequited feelings (not love because I don’t think that I reached that desperate end yet) for this other guy and to write about same him who’s obviously an unreachable delusion to begin with. I’m going to write about him because now I know for certain that my dreams are over and, although it was really fun and it made me happy while it lasted, I have to accept the fact that it ends.
The thing about that quote up there is that it precisely defines the reason why I like the current guy I like. I liked this other guy for the past four years and although I know that it’s in vain because he only sees me as a person (not even as a friend) I can’t seem to build a bridge and get over my feelings for him.
And I’m telling you that I have been determined to let go. Very, in fact. I just can’t ‘overcome’ because whenever I think I do, he suddenly shows up and effortlessly pulls me into that deep shit I call unrequited and pathetic. It’s like an addiction, you know? I don’t even want to do anything with him anymore but the feelings resurface and, just like that, I’m a sad loser with a crush once again.
I was never happy.
So. All I wanted was an exit. I made myself busy, made myself see other beautiful things that God has created in this world (tag: other equally gorgeous men), and made myself see that all he ever wants is my friend (well, this part is still a speculation !BUT whatever). These didn’t work. These are all just tools to make myself remember that I’m not yet over him and maybe even never.
Then another he came. A he that’s probably bigger than him.
It’s perhaps the masochistic side of me that’s been working here. I don’t know but the fact that the new ‘he’ that came was more insurmountable… unreachable than the previous ‘he’ made me (and might I add so suddenly?) forget my past four years of unrequited feelings. Like I realized that I’ve been wrong all along. You know?
Suddenly, I don’t feel anything for the previous ‘he’ anymore.
Like it’s magic.
Then I realized that I feel for strongly enough for this person that I am able to overwrite those four years.
So I want to thank the new he. Because I think those four years are so sad and I don’t ever want to go back to that place again. Ugh, the dark ages. It’s probably no different with the new one because I’m still here… (though we actually exchanged a few texts) afar and unable to reach. Perhaps this is even worse because. But I just can’t let go (right the moment you told me to) because you were the very reason why I was able to let go of the previous one.
So I’m so sorry for bothering you for a week. I know you already have someone important to you and, even if I try, nothing’s ever going to change because everything’s crazy from where it started and I’m just so delusional goodness. I’m just writing this thing because I want to explain and (for the record), although unwilling, I’ll let the thought of you go from now on.
Thank you still. I’m really, really waking up to reality now.
I have to find a job for Christ’s sake.
signing off nao.